Monthly Archives: September 2002

My Little Epiphany

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been spending a lot of time focusing on one particular thought lately, that which is the topic of this post. Let's start at the beginning shall we?


As many of you know, I was raised primarily by my mother, who was never married to my father, who would made the occasional cameo in my childhood. My grandparents, two very hardworking people hellbent on providing things that they didn't have for their progeny, also played a major role in my childhood, filling in for Mom when she or daycare couldn't be there. My Grampa worked full time as a shift foreman at the Standard Oil refinery in addition to tending the 200 acre farm, growing corn, soybeans, and wheat, as well as the various animals, steers, hogs, some sheep, Duke the shetland pony, and any other entrepreneurial ventures (like chinchillas). My Gramma was a full time travelling nurse on-call for the county health department and also played the part of the traditional housewife as was common during the times, (Did you know that people used to make their own candy and have it on hand at all times? crazy huh) tending to the house, cooking, cleaning, gardening. My Mother, obviously inspired by the vigor of my grandparents, worked full time (often swing shift) at the local refinery (where she was told that as a woman, she wouldn't last three days. She's been working in the oil business for almost 30 years now (In refineries for about 28 / 29 of those years). She also was busy with learning how to oil paint, getting her bachelors and MBA degrees, acting as band booster president, 4-H advisor, and any other such opportunity to arise. In essence, I was raised by workaholics.


Instilled in me were the values of good, honest, hard work and the willingness to originate and participate in without much discontent. I was also raised to believe that the world was my oyster; I could do anything that I wanted. As long as I worked hard, everything that I put effort towards would turn out marvellously. Life would be grand. I would not only live out, but I would be the American dream, as the end product of generations before me had hoped to create. However, I also had this compulsion to overachieve to gain attention as a result of some abandonment, insecurity, and isolation issues due being raised as an only child in a single parent household (don't get me wrong, my family is most excellent, but my father wasn't around and there is no denying that said lack of father created some issues that I still carry with me today. However this is a different story for a later time). This compulsion to overachieve happened to be my chemical X in the solution to create the perfect, hardworking, incredible little girl, that being me. Unfortunately for me though, I couldn't fly or have laser vision, and the city of Wapakoneta certainly didn't have much crime. Instead, I developed the power of believing that I could do absolutely everything I wanted to do and do it well. There in lies one of the biggest problems of my life.


At first, it was easy to do everything, especially in grade / high school. I did just about every extracurricular you could imagine, excluding sports (I wasn't much of a sports fan). I was an honors student, first chair, first place in county and state, officer of a few clubs, volunteering, world saving, award-winning, high achieving specimen of adolescence destined for excellence. I didn't have to worry about failure because I didn't fail. I did everything that I wanted to do and I was the best (or pretty close to the best). That is how it was. Upon graduating high school, I figured I would continue my excellence into college and then on into the real world, where I was bound to live wonderfully (happily ever after). Gung ho and ready to take quite a large bite out of life, I quickly joined a bunch of organizations at my university, enrolled in harder classes, and figure things would just fall into place. This worked well for awhile, or at least that's what I told myself.


After the first few semesters, I began to realize that I was taking on a lot of work, and even though I turned into quite the princess of time management, I never had enough hours in the day. But I could do everything and do it well, so I continued on. I didn't want to see that the things I had accomplished weren't quite what I had in mind. Granted, they were good, alright even. They weren't perfect (did I mention that I've got a tinge of perfectionist in me too?); they weren't how I had envisioned them to be. I wasn't a straight A student; I was a B student now. I had stopped playing my instrument (mainly because I didn't own one and couldn't afford a new / used one). Despite all these little downfalls, I still did everything I wanted to do. I just didn't do things according to the high standards I had always set for myself, and normally had achieved. Even though I worked extremely hard, I was still dissapointed in my creations and in myself. I knew I could have done better. I wasn't the perfect little girl, the best, or the American Dream any longer.


Recently, upon a little reflection surrounding recent events, I found that I had spread efforts too thinly among my activities. I didn't get a programming job out of college, not because I'm a bad programmer (I'm quite good actually) but because I had focused enough time and energy into being a good programmer. I didn't become Suzy Sorority, Chef Kristy, SuperStar Kristy, or Public Servant Kristy. I didn't save the world, didn't raise enough money, didn't create this wonderfully fantastic fantasy world were I could do all and be all not because I didn't do enough volunteer work, community service, or other related activities, but because I didn't focus on any one particular goal. I never focused on one particular goal because I thought I could accomplish every one of my goals.


I was wrong. I can't do everything.


Now, I find myself at a stage in my life where I'm kinda good at a lot of different things but a master of not much. Granted, there are still many things that I can do extremely well; this is not some sort of descent into the depths of my insecurity, believe me. However, it's more a redirection of focus and reestablishment of goals and priorities. I've taken all of my experiences, thoughts, standards, requirements, hopes, goals, dreams, and anything else I could muster up and evaluated where they fit into my life. Some things that I figured would be important, really weren't. Some things I thought weren't worth my time, were. Here's what I've come up with: I've got 3 major goals now.


1. Wellbeing

2. Career

3. Fitness


Wellbeing includes my social life, spiritual life, happiness, and tying up of loose ends associated with my past goals. I have to say, I'm doing really well in this arena. I have a wonderful and loving boyfriend with whom I live. I have wonderful friends that are always a lot of fun and incredibly supportive. Im taking a Japanese class for fun. I'm quite happy. I've got to work on the spirituality part, but that one will always be a work in progress.


Career is pretty self explanatory. Right now I'm working at a helpdesk, which is a great job. The people are great, the environment is great, and it pays all of the bills. I really don't want to do helpdesk for the rest of my life, though. A place that I wanted to work for told me that I wasn't qualified enough. Right now, I'm doing a lot of studying so that I can become qualified to work as a programmer. I'm focusing on some certain concepts and doing quite well. I've got a lot of determination that was spread quite thinly before, but now is focused and I'm damn stubbourn. Someday, I'll be ready, and I will have a good programming job (Oh yes, it will be mine).


Fitness wasn't quite that big of a goal for me. I lost a lot of weight, yeah, but I didn't have to think about it much, with such a busy lifestyle. Now, I have to think about it or I won't be able to lose weight. I'm taking karate and yoga classes. I play DDR at home on the nights that I'm not. Pilates, bellydancing, yoga, and other workout tapes fill in for when Im not in class.


I'm not doing everything now, just what's important to me. By far, I think this is a far better plan for my life. If all works out well, my 3 goals will be accomplished in due time. After all, I deserve it.


So... if I'm not posting as much as I used to, you'll know why.



09.21.02 12:12pm(5 comments)

Ganked from This Modern World

I've taken this from Tom Tommorrow, who draws the this modern world cartoon for salon.com. This is kinda what I was trying to say earlier, but I'm doped up and not as well-spoken to begin with.



Thursday, September 12, 2002

A year and a day



and the consensus is clear: time to move on and kick some enemy butt!



Which enemy butt, exactly, is never entirely clear. I guess the armchair warriors and modem militia types are talking about Iraq, but as I've noted before, that's the "light-is-better-over-here" argument. The administration has given up trying to connect Iraq to al Qaeda, the satellite photos "proving" that Saddam was busily constructing nuclear weapons were disproven almost as soon as they were announced, so the reasoning at this point seems to be, essentially, as follows:



1. Bad people attacked us on September 11.

2. Saddam is a bad person.

3. We must therefore attack Saddam.



Now, anyone who's ever taken a freshman course in logic and reasoning can probably spot the fallacy in that one, without even working up much of a sweat.



But we are, make no mistake, headed to war with Iraq, and there is a persistent and undeniable linkage to September 11, which only makes sense if you think the world out there is one big "they," as in "they attacked us, and we must strike back at them" (which, incidentally, is what I thought that business in Afghanistan was all about).



Ultimately, I think it's a matter of reasserting the illusions we all superimpose over the world, just to make it tolerable, just to get by. To stave off the darkness and enjoy the precious time we have been given, we pretend, individually and collectively, that we are invulnerable, immortal. And--trust me on this--when you get that late night phone call, when those illusions are shredded as easily as tissue before a scythe, then you are never quite as able to block out the terrible uncertainty of the world again. This is what we have gone through collectively, as a nation, and the only way to regain that sense of control--which none of us really have to begin with, life being an inherently risky proposition--is to take action. At least in Afghanistan there was a clear rationale. As there would be if it turned out that Saddam Hussein had in fact personally ordered the attack on New York (and if attacking Iraq had not obviously been one of George Bush's two mandates from the beginning--along with that tax cut--the implementation of which were clearly the very raison d'etre for his installation at 1600 Pennsylvannia Avenue). But this "war on whatever bad guy we choose"--this is just an attempt to impose order on chaos, an attempt to piece our shredded illusions back together. We'll kick some Iraqi butt, and that'll show the world who's boss! Well, the world--or that portion of it which hates this country with such a terrible homicidal passion--already knows who's the biggest baddest muthafucka around.



That's just not the point.



Look at it this way: a lot of people say that the RIAA is a dinosaur stumbling around in the modern age. It evolved to deal with a certain set of circumstances, and when the digital revolution changed everything, it simply didn't know how to adapt.



Well, the United States is in danger of becoming the RIAA of global politics. Our entire mentality and defense network is contingent upon the threat posed by oppositional nation states. We simply aren't set up to deal with this rootless, stateless, Ian Fleming supervillian sort of enemy. And so, just like the RIAA, we are trying to pretend that the world has not changed, and that our previous ways of dealing with things are still perfectly effective. And so here we are, about to go to war with a nation state, for no apparent reason except that that's what we know how to do. And it will make us all feel better, reimpose some sense of order onto the chaos into which we have been thrust this past year. Make us feel like we're in control.



Until it all blows up in our goddamn faces, of course.



09.12.02 9:55am(1 comment)

Misery loves company

Yep... that's right.. today is September 12. No, I didn't have a special journal entry yesterday, nor did I turn my sight black or have any special tribute. Am I a heartless bitch? Perhaps some may think so... Do I not grieve and mourn for what happened a year ago yesterday? Sure, in some capacity, I do. So why am I not all teary eyed from the whole 9-11 deal? Frankly, I don't think that America really learned much from the whole ordeal. Yeah, we've got some better security, but that's not quite what I'm talking about here. First of all, I'm really sick of all the pseudo patriotism. Millions of people are raising their flags in a display, singing songs, attending vigils, but have no idea why they do it or for what reasons they raise the flag and sing songs. Granted, there are some who have a reason to be patriotic, sing praises and raise flags. They know why they do it, they have valid reasons. But many just do it because they saw a nifty commercial on TBS, or everyone else is doing it. I think if more people had some information about what was going on in the country right now, they wouldn't be so quick to be patriotic. Yesterday, a lot of the country mourned the one year anniversary of a terrorist event and in the same breath shouted the praises of a president who wants to bomb a country, in essence, to lower oil prices. Doesn't anyone else see something wrong with this? It's really hard for me to be proud of a country that takes this stance. Granted, coming from where I have, I'm all about the steady flow of oil in the US, but come on now! We really don't need to go bombing other countries under false pretenses so we can get some cheap oil. On a related note, my step-dad called last night and mentioned that my mom was safely back in mainland Norway and off of the platform. Hooray!

Anyway, I was really sick yesterday and slept most of the day away (I even called off of work). Fortunately for me, we don't have cable hooked up in the bedroom yet (still have to pull the cable through the air ducts) because I'm sure I would've been inundated with tributes and commercials while I was trying to get some rest. I hooked up that cute little DVD player that Tom has and watched Ghost World in the afternoon (but I fell asleep during the last half... good movie none the less). Later in the evening, I was eating some gumbo, sitting on the couch with Tom, and was trying to watch the simpsons despite the multiple playings of the same propoganda commercials during the commercial breaks. After a full day of sleep, antibiotics, tylenol cold, and spicy soups, I was able to breath through my nose again and decided to go to Karate. Although, I did learn the hard way, that I'm not allowed to carry a tissue in my hand while in line at the dojo. DOH!

I'm back at work today to find 8 million new user requests... hooray.

09.12.02 9:44am(4 comments)

I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese… I really think so…

It's been quite the interesting weekend, and I realized I'm turning into a nipponophile. Friday, I went to the student rec and signed up for Karate (35 bucks a semester!!!) and yoga. It was a gorgeous day, so I went to see if Tom and Nate wanted to go eat lunch after class, but Nate skipped (so it was just me and Tom). After lunch, Tom showed me his cute little grad assistant office. As I was leaving to go back to my car, I ran into a buzzed cut Dr. Chilson, who was as surprised to see me as I him. I teased him about his haircut and suggested he do the shiney bald head thing, but he didn't seem to like that idea so much :) Man it felt wierd to be in hayes hall again. When I waited for Tom outside of the classroom, looking around, I realized I didn't know anyone. I got that feeling similar to when you go back to your high school for any odd reason, after you've graduated, but this time.. it was more gratifying.. I dunno.. hard to explain. Friday was also my supervisor's birthday (happy birthday Terri!) and she really liked the decorations and the doughnuts I had brought her. It was a busy day, so Tom and I planned on taking it easy friday night (he even cooked Chicken Voila for me!). A few visitors (Amy and nate) stopped by, chatted, and drank beer. Nate stayed a little longer, we watched office space, and ordered a pizza. But since I'm old now, and had a pretty long day, I was about ready to keel over at about 11:00 pm. Good thing I went to bed early though because I had to be up at the butt crack of dawn the next morning for Japanese class.


It's funny how things time out. I got into my car to head up to Owens and turned on my mp3 player (thanks Tom!). I guess the last song I had played was right at the beginning of that Perfect Blue J-pop Cham! song. So, I was cruisin' down I-75 listening to J-Pop, on my mp3 player, in my honda, on the way to Japanese class, the day after I sign up for karate (hence the title of this journal entry). I make it to class without any event and we're all doing our introductions.. who are you.. why are you taking Japanese.... and the like. I guess it is possible for high school freshman to do post secondary studies now, so there are about 6 or 7 of them in my class. Most of them are pretty well mannered and quiet, into computers and anime, you know... your typical geekling. There are a few however, that talked all throughout class, made dumb comments, thought they were quite the shit, and generally drove me nuts. In addition, there are a few business guys, a mother daughter pair, someone who wants to just keep fluent, and a few that are taking the class for a language requirement and then there's me :) The professor is quite cool. So far, she's doing a really good job of teaching us stuff, and also has a little sense of humor. She was really cool in helping me get around my working 3 saturdays during the semester issues (especially since they all fell on oral exam days). I think, as long as I stay in the corner near the wall jack with my laptop and my books, away from the kiddies, I'll love the class. Sometime, I have to go into the language lab this week and do my lesson. Maybe thursday or friday... Regardless, I'm really excited about my class. Hell, I've already finished my homework and the class isn't until saturday!


Saturday afternoon was quite nice as well, I came home to a Tom fresh out of bed, still sleepy and with messed up hair. He's just *so* cute and precious like that, also very huggy and sweet ;) Anyway, we did something productive that afternoon and cleaned up the computer room. It took us awhile, but now the.. oh.. I'm sorry.. the Machine room.. is quite habitable and even, perhaps, maybe, a little bit comfortable too :) I've certainly been spending more time in there lately. Not only is it clean, but Tom is in there a lot too... and I've been doing a lot of downloading lately, Love Hina, Chobits, Ah! My Goddess, Video Girl AI, Sailor moon, among other things :) I've watched a lot of Love Hina lately too, and I like it quite a lot. If you have any episodes, lemme know :)


As you all know, I'm sure, this weekend was the Black Swamp arts festival, so Nate, Tom and I headed downtown for a taste of BG. For me, that came in the form of a giant pork tenderloin sandwich (mmmmmm). We stopped into Cosmos and saw a very withdrawn, gaunt looking Jay. Poor thing, I'm sure he hears about *it* all the time. At least he's facing it with all that he's got, which I think is good for him. Power to you Jay, you are truly holding up! Perhaps you'll grow from the pain you feel right now and it'll end up being a positive experience instead of how you feel it to be for the time being. Anyway, back to the expo... I didn't have time to take a look at hardly any of the art booths, but we did get to hear one of the bands. They had your normal drums, guitar, bass, but also electric bagpipes and a fiddle. They played some really cool stuff, so I was kinda sad to leave, but I had other obligations....


...Like Karaoke with Randy (a guy I work with), his wife Dawn, and their friends at the VFW in McComb. I got to sing about 8 songs, chit chat with everyone, and they kept buying me drinks (THANKS!). I sang: Proud Mary, Sin Wagon, Baby Got Back, Gypsies Tramps and Theives, Whip it, Fever, Why haven't I heard from you, and Kiss Me Deadly. Randy sang a few songs too, including one of my personal favorites: King of the road. I had a great time and then headed home around 12:30. I got home and found a note from Tom to head over to Clint's bday party. Clint, Pete, Mark and Kim, Mike, and some other people were there. I was *extremely* tired though, so I wasnt much in the partying mood.


Sunday, I slept in... and it was oh so good. I bummed around the house and took care of some cleaning too. I spent some time watching anime too, which was a nice change of pace.


Monday, it was crazy at work. The guy that usually did the voicemails was out sick, so I did them. I also did the emails and this huge stack of new users. I was coming down with a nasty cold too, so it was a pretty sucky day. I sent a fax to the security guy (who I send all the new users to) that had "8 billion" pages with a msg that said, sorry, Its been a long day, I have a cold, and Ive been hitting the dayquil too much. He sent me an email today that I was a winner and he's going to give me a prize for sending him the largest amount of faxes (being 8 billion)... oh well I guess you had to be there... I found out monday too that something is hanging down from the bottom of my car and is dragging along the road. Now it only drags when I'm going slow, so something must be going on when I drive fast, some air drag or something, so it doesn't drag when I'm going fast. An old man stopped me at the dr.'s office today to let me know that I was dragging something under my car. He said it was a battery container.. pfft.. who needs that anyway ;) I don't get paid until sunday, so it doesn't get fixed until at least then. I need an oil chnage too.


Monday night was awesome... Tom cooked dinner again (chicken and rice.. it was *so* good) and some breadsticks and peas (which I made). Unfortunately, I had to eat and run... but I was running to my first Karate class! Yes, that's right! I'm in Karate now, and I love it! My Sempai / Sensai (I don't know what I'm supposed to call him) is really cool and actually remembered me inquiring about judo this summer. I told him that I hurt my knee shortly thereafter and I didn't want to "go hopping into anything" and he thought that was funny. The class was really good and I felt really good afterwards. I'm really excited about this class too :) Yoga starts september 23rd! w00t! After karate, I visited the AOII house so I could volunteer for this weekend's recruitment. I figure, it would be good for me to spend some time away so Tom can have quality boy's only time with his friend Brian being in town this weekend. After I left the sorority house, I went to visit Tom at his little grad assistant job. It was so cute, he was wearing his little yellow button and everything.


I had made a Dr.'s appointment for today a long time ago to get my shot, so it was really convenient since I have this nasty cold too. I had one of the best shots of my life (I didn't feel sweaty, dizzy, or anything) and I also got some antibiotics for the nasty cold. When I got back from the apt, they had started moving into the new cubes affectionately called "spaceship helpdesk." It's pretty slick; all black metal with black keyboard and mouse, and wall mounted black framed LCD monitor (it swivels!). We just have to keep it clean and uncluttered, which shouldn't be a problem for me. Oh yeah, and Larry, the network guy, even gave me a Dextor's Lab waterbottle thing so that my space wouldn't be completely powerpuff girls :) Now, when he gets an office, he's gonna get a little decoration too! Muahahahahahah.... Anyway, I'm back by my window again, out from underneath the a/c, and away from the easy listening speaker. Ahhhh.... Now, I just need to get rid of this cold..... bleargh

09.10.02 2:48pm(1 comment)

Like a shooting star across the midnight sky…

B00-Y4|-|!


So who's gonna play DDR with me :)

09.06.02 8:34am(5 comments)

She don’t eat meat but she Sho’ like-ah bone! RUFF!

So this last weekend Tom and I headed on a little labor day vakay, although we didn't know if we would actually make it to OK alive. On the way up to Toledo, we made friends with some hillbilly asshole in an f-150 who decided it was his job to regulate traffic by going 56 mph next to a semi and then speeding up (so that no one would pass him) until reaching the next semi and repeating the process. Fortunately for us, he relinquished his reign in the left lane and we were finally able to pass. Tom, inspired by the hijinx of a fellow motorist over the summer, flipped this guy off for quite some time. We thought our little friendship was over at this point; we were wrong. Our friend in the f-150 decided to speed up next to us and try to drive us off of the road. He swerved over a few times, but I kept my ground and he gave up after awhile. I may have been in a small compact foreign car, but damnit I'm not going to let any f-150 asshole drive me off the road. Still not finished being an asshole, he swerved in front of us and started some break-check crap. Whatever, I'm the queen of tailgating, so this was not the least bit of challenge for me. So, I told Tom to write down his license plate for me, and I called the michigan state police. To me, this seemed incredibly drunk and I reported him as such. He ended up slowing down to a normal speed,riving normally, and getting off at an exit a little later. I don't know, perhaps it was Tom's " WE GOT YOU ASSHOLE!" sign that gave him the idea to tone it down and get off of the road. Regardless, right as we passed the next exit, a smokey pulled on the road, turned around and went lookin'. Bastard. I'm all about driving fast and a wee bit of road rage, as long as it doesn't extend farther than the friendly finger or other low-intensity traffice maneuvers, but this was way too much. I don't play ben-hur on the highway, thanks.


We got to Detroit without much other consequence and made it to the gate, just fine (well, they searched my laptop for explosive residues.. Tom-0 Kristy - 1). We had a connecting flight through St. Louis, so we stopped and had a martini, which was much deserved by the both of us after our long days and adventurous trip up to Detroit. It was a good thing we were feeling good on the flight from St. Louis to Tulsa. We took off and were well on our way up into the friendly skies when our plane took quite the dive. I looked outside and saw... ANOTHER PLANE. Just for the record, you're not supporsed to see another plane from a plane. Apparently, they had wondered into our airspace and we had to dodge them. Despite all the crazy things that happened on our trip, we made it into Tulsa and home to Bartlesville okay.


Saturday was the family gathering. My grandparents and Tom were introduced to the very friendly, yet colorful extended family and we all had a barbecue. The food was great, and Tom and I had the chance to sit down and talk politics with gramma, who knows a hell of a lot more than she lets on. We even got to chill with my younger cousin James and watch a bit of anime. It was a good time despite the wayward conjectures from a select few. Tom and Lawrence had a bunch of fun setting up a mini IPX network and playing a few games of starcraft.


Sunday, the three of us headed to Price Tower, which was a Frank Loyd Wright "sky scraper" built in the 50's. It was *way* cool, and we did some shopping afterwards. Monday, the three of us headed into Tulsa and did more shopping, ate a nice lunch, and then headed to the arcades. We all played a game of laser tag, and then while Tom and Lawrence played a third, I played DDR (dance dance revolution). I am now hooked. I love this game and Lawrence is a big fan of it too. We headed to another arcade that had better DDR machines and we played awhile there while Tom watched (and wouldn't dance... ya can't win em all). So, if anyone wants to go play DDR with me, I know of a few places in Toledo :) I gotta get one of those home setups too :)


That night we had a birthday party for all of us who had birthdays around this time. I got some money from the grandparents, a Dali book from Lawrence, the neon evangelion genesis perfect collection, and an MP3 player from Tom!! w000t! One sweet birthday. Unfortunately for us, our flight left butt early the next morning, so Tuesday was quite a long day. Everything went well with the flights, but Tom and I were both pretty tired. I pretty much bummed the day away and Tom had classes and assistanship stuff. Later in the evening, Amy called us up and we all went out for sushi. It was really good catching up with her and we even got one of the boats for our sushi! I convinced Amy to go DDR-ing with me sometime ;) After we got home, Tom and I had quite the happy little downloading party in pursuit of DDR music (which Tom also likes), maple 7, and chick aimed anime :) If you have any of these things, let us know!


Okay, that's enough rambling for now... more thoughts about the weekend later.

09.04.02 4:21pm(4 comments)